Vladimir [another song I wrote it’s pretty triggering pls dont read it if you know this applies to you]

here we are again,
without a friend,
broken in need of desperate ammend,
fallen so high and feeling so low

shattered veins
are what remain
of this poison that cannot be named
you’ve messed me up with no where to go

now enraged
cant see the day
when you dont help me turn the page
i cant do this without you, you know
i can do this without you, you know.

and you smile through 
and save the day,
my vladimir 
with his crooked way,
you stop the pain
erase the tears,
drive away
all of my fears,
and for a minute
maybe an hour,
you give me hope
you give me power,
and i can see
a better time,
where i’ll be yours
and you’ll be mine,
and you’ll be mine

a sugar pill,
my fire drill,
a broken glass and an empty bill,
i cant believe i let you do this to me

lipstick stains,
and more pain,
another fall and another game,
youre hurt hurting me cant you see,

with each kiss,
and every miss,
another second of euphoric bliss,
i could never let myself be free
and i could never let you miss me,

and you smile through
and save the day,
my vladimir 
with his crooked way,
you stop the pain
erase the tears,
drive away
all of my fears,
and for a minute
maybe an hour,
you give me hope
you give me power,
and i can see
a better time,
where i’ll be yours
and you’ll be mine,
and you’ll be mine
and you’ll be mine.

another night,
candle light,
you tell me to carry on the fight,
lets pretend I’m strong enough this time,

another try,
you wont reply,
consumed within this fatal lie,
will i never ever truly call you mine

tears will flow,
and i will grow,
so entrapped within this pain i know,
angel i think its time to cut the line,
cause I’m not worth your design,
you have to let go watch me decline,
watch me die,

cause you smile through
and i have to go,
my vladimir
i’ll miss you so,
you cant stop the train
erase your tears,
sorry you had to realise
your darkest fears,
and for a second
maybe a glance,
you’ll see my jump
you’ll have missed your chance,
and I can see
the better time,
in heaven only
you’ll be mine,
forever trapped
in my memory,
my angel
you’ll be with me,
if you’ll remember
i’ll be there,
running my fingers
through your hair,
and you’ll recall
that lonesome knife,
that took
your lovers life,
and in that second
in that time
I’ll be yours,
and you’ll be mine
and you’ll be mine,
and you’ll be mine.


another song~ 

used to picking up the pieces
but theres too many this time
and you just expect me
to carry on like it’s fine
like nothing ever happened
like youre still faithful
like every inch of my heart
isnt so hateful

and you smile and i lie awake
and you tell me she was a mistake

your words are going cheap but i have no cash


no,
you have to stop,
you don’t understand,
I cant,
I won’t,
I can’t do this again,
us talking,
it fills me with so much happiness,
like you know,
but you don’t,
and I smile,
and you make me laugh,
like I haven’t,
in so long,
but you have to stop,
please,
I won’t do this,
but you make me so happy,
and you care,
no,
you care,
you talk to me,
i don’t have to say anything,
you’re there,
and you care,
and we laugh,
but I cant,
you have to stop,
because I,
I can’t have this happiness,
because you’ll leave,
everybody leaves,
and I don’t think I could take it,
if you left,
and I’m not allowed to like you,
but I do it anyway,
you taste sour they say,
he’s a dick they say,
but I think you’re lovely,
stop,
please,
you’ll leave,
suddenly the messages will stop,
and i’ll be alone again,
thats what always,
always happens,
and I won’t do it,
because you’re so lovely,
and I’m,
not,
and you’ll go,

and I cant have that pain,
of watching you go,
because I can’t fight,
No,
don’t have the strength,
and I’ll be broken,
even more,
so spare me the trouble,
just stop it now,
before I get too happy,
and it all crashes,
disintegrations,
infront of my eyes,
and I’ll hurt,
and I’ll die,
so please don’t,
please leave me alone 


paper swords [another song i wrote]

dont tell me how it feels to be insane,
I guarantee you a million pounds that we don’t feel the same,
those jagged words so sharp and high,
darling you know full well that you won’t die,
another attempt at sympathy oh such a tragedy,
promise you another thing, you won’t get it from me,
fractured ice and stinging eyes,
in my world of make believe,
i couldn’t dream of the fakery that you conceived, 
 

arm yourself with your paper sword,
and your chainmail made from lies,
gather up your plastic arrows,
this battle’s worth a try,
we both know you’ll win with ease,
your family’ll be so pleased,
cause sweetheart, I can see,
this pathetic life of mockery,
cover yourself with a cardboard shield,
and throw yourself onto the battle field,
get a grip and hold on tight, 
this war ends tonight.


grandma beryl ~

you’ve left us now that I can see,
such an impact you adorned on me,
one didn’t wait to observe your smile,
just trudging on through our own mile,
now alone I can miss,
such beauty in simplistic bliss,
the quiet comfort that you were near,
your trusting that we’d always hear,
my eyes would wander and I would glance,
thankful that my mind doth dance,
and I would see an angel on her knees,
tempting God with her last pleas,
flashing lights from then arose,
slightly erasing the harsher woes,
and I would wonder why so sweet,
an old women with a house so neat,
with age I can now understand,
why you took the bottle to your hand,
no longer shrug the tears doth fall,
as the echo cries of your last call,
and in that retched home I never came,
entrapped within my own domain,
used to calling the sirens pain, 
strangers shall we both remain,
and I would smirk shrug you aside,
ignoring your arms open so wide,
if only the future had then unfold,
my love for you I would have told,
I can picture you with empathy,
with all the love you gave to me,
held me tight while mother raced,
the hospital with white knuckle pace,
so lonely yet never so morose,
so many children but never close,
my eyes depict the pain you knew,
as my body twists through and through,
great respect for you I hold,
knowing now your hands are cold,
shivering past with every day,
with recollection of your mad way,
knowing now we shall become,
equal as for you and I are one,
my future portrays you at the end,
worsened by a lack of friend,
those haunting nights where forth I laughed,
premeditating my ultimate path,
I will grow into a shadow of you,
drinking all what I once knew


—another song I’ve written..

all the kisses you deliver so precious and so dear,
i’m still hanging on because you drive away the fear,
so many nights spent frozen, blood and tears shed,
my delicate existance, hanging by a thread,
you danced into my eyes, threw away the pain,
allowed me to discover the love that remained,

i don’t know how to thank you,
i don’t know what to say,
i’d be honoured, my darling,
if you could stay another day,
the horizon is so much brighter when you’re next to me,
used to painting portraits of someone I wish I could be,
tearing up the paper, creating something new,
someone I can only be, when I’m with you,
so stay with me and I’ll make it worth your while,
nothing will ever taste as wonderful as your smile,
I will sacrifice a thousand breaths if they’ll lead to you
cause darling you’re the everythings that I never knew

I promise I’ll never forget to hold your hand,
I’ll listen and I’ll allow you to understand,
I’ll close the wounds and the door,
I’ll be your everything and so much more,
we’ll stay warm and safe within eachothers’ company,
never again stolen by frozen puppetry,
red cotton around our fingers and in our veins,
finally escaping from these chains,

i don’t know how to thank you,
i don’t know what to say,
i’d be honoured, my darling,
if you could stay another day,
the horizon is so much brighter when you’re next to me,used to painting portraits of someone I wish I could be,
tearing up the paper, creating something new,
someone I can only be, when I’m with you,
so stay with me and I’ll make it worth your while,
nothing will ever taste as wonderful as your smile,
I will sacrifice a thousand breaths if they’ll lead to you
cause darling you’re the everythings that I never knew

i don’t know how to thank you,
i don’t know what to say,
i’d be honoured, my darling,
if you could stay another day..


Dear blondie,
firstly I must be sorry,
I’m jealous and cold,
from love I was never told,
I don’t like competition,
I don’t like additions,
I tried to fight for you,
but the battle was through,
so hurt and tired,
the hatred transpired,
I waited so long,
the signs were so wrong,
too many tries,
not enough replies,
maybe you didn’t see,
how exempt you made me,
pushed me away,
promised, another day,
but now I must leave,
and try not to grieve,
words I never thought I’d say,
I thought you’d plead me to stay,
we used to be the closest,
and now you don’t even notice,
the words fracture like ice,
and sting from my eyes,
as you smile and you kiss,
and I cut and I miss,
deeper, more deep,
the blood will seep,
different stains for you now,
I’ll take my last bow,
goodbye pickle, I’ll see you in hell,
all the secrets we shared, but please don’t tell


for iola and for kassy..

another life perished, another number count,
the suicide rate jumps to a heart breaking amount,
a heartbeat, demolished. Society won’t blink,
the ‘ugly’ ones don’t count, they’re gone in a wink,
you can give assemblies, and you can attempt to teach,
but you still don’t understand the words behind your preach,
poor innocent angel, so pretty and delicate,
an outcast? They’re weird, they must be faking it.
people don’t change, no body gives a shit,
how harsh the words are, how hard was that hit?
it’s not bullying sir, it’s all fun and games,
it’s not hurting them sir, they’re just silly nick-names,
you can scratch the surface, take a select few,
the beautiful, smart ones, that came straight to you,
the ones who cried a few times, had to drop out of school,
the ones that are perfect, so popular, deemed ‘cool’,
but what of the ones who attend every day?
hiding their scars, do they have nothing to say?
they’ve been hidden for years, never uttered a word,
because last time they spoke their voices weren’t heard,
they’ll cut and they’ll scream and still carry on,
their broken dead souls desperately dragging along,
they’ve perfected their smiles, their hearts cold in their chest,
echoing the authority, ‘they’re self harming? I never would’ve guessed’



You poor little innocent victim,
So cold and so insane,
You’ve got common ground with the bullies,
To me, You’re both the same,
You said you’d always support me,
but you’re full of lies and lies,
And every time you smile, you know,
Another gram of me dies,
Around you the world must revolve,
A ‘broken angel from above’
But you’ll never ever understand,
How you’ve left others without love,
You told me I was beautiful,
Another one of the cheap lies you say,
I wonder if you even realise,
Because of you I ‘forgot’ to eat today,
Once in boredom you’ll enquire,
I’ll reply, I must be fine,
I could never be so selfish and say,
The bloods seeping from another line,
You’re a hero for what you’ve done,
Traversed through so much crap,
Take a bow, receive your award,
While I’m still stuck in your guilt trap,
I can’t tell you how I feel,
We couldn’t possibly upset the star,
We must bow down to your greatness,
And conceal each and every scar,
You’re the only one allowed to suffer,
So I must hide and remain,
Undetected and unloved,
Covering up all the pain,
For I am just a shadow,
Cowering in your light,
Forever knowing ill be defeated,
If I even dream of pursuing a fight,
And I’ll be fine, alone again,
You be on your way,
Forget me, please, I’m a useless waste,
Who’ll have the courage to die some day.


its a shame really, you’ll never understand,
how we stumbled into this mess unplanned,
you say you’ve had others put their trust in you,
if only if only this wasn’t so true,
you probe and you poke until no more can be said,
you ask and try to resurrect the living dead, 
we’re not human’s afterall; we’re lab rats,
entertainment for you in the form of combat,

tbc-


# by CHAII-THEMES
Fire Cursors